Photo of the week: The Blue Door
We took a break from having 100 degrees days last week but it was still too hot to be out for long. Other than shooting with Jonathan on last Sunday, I wasn't out much since I really wanted to put more time into restructuring my current website.
After looking through a number of pictures from last week, I decided to share this blue door image I took around the Hyde Park area. If you like doors and windows images like me, stay tuned because I am going to publish a collection of doors and windows photos on this site soon!
As some of you who have been reading my blog may know, I am going to a mourning process, but I truly don't know how to do it or how exactly I should feel. Most of the time, I keep things inside like this closed door. Perhaps I was afraid to face the reality of loosing my dad if I talked about it. The worst is, I probably feel guilty for not being around when he needed me the most. My sister told me she felt guilty that she wasn't able to stay and take care of my dad during his last 10 days due to her job in Singapore. In my mind, I was thinking I wasn't even there for last few years.
Since I wasn't talking about it much, I wondered what I was feeling regarding all that. I knew the painful emotion will hit me sometime, I just didn't know when, just like I can never predict the weather even though I check the forecast everyday.
Before I woke up this morning, I dreamed about being home with my family, and he was right there. Everything seemed normal and I was just having casual conversation with my sister. Soon, I saw my dad started to dress up. He put up a pair of black slack pants and a long sleeves white shirt, looked like he was going to head out. I had never seen him dressed like that; I looked at him and my emotion started to break loose in my dream. I asked him where he was going, and he told me he had to go because he was running out of time. It got me really nervous and emotional, and I gave him a big hug trying to stop him from leaving. Somehow I couldn't stop him and he turned around and jumped off from our back porch. I knew that it was probably the last chance for to say goodbye, so I did, telling him I love him while tears were streaming down my face. He said he knew, and then he fell out and faded into thin air. I woke up crying and realizing what had been hiding behind a locked door in my heart.